Expressing your emotions is not the same thing as emotional processing.
Photo by Elijah O'Donnell on Unsplash
We all have a right to express ourselves to one another.
We do not all have a right to try to enroll others in our victim stories, go out seeking evidence of what we believe, or to otherwise blame or make accusations to the people we're currently upset with and unloading our emotions on them because we don't want to carry that particular feeling anymore.
The former brings relationships and connections closer.
The latter drives them apart faster than lightning (or otherwise invites in dysfunctional relationship dynamics that are unhelpful and eventually make it all worse).
How to know if you're emotionally processing in your connections:
The focus of the conversation is on what happened to you or to someone else.
You feel unsettled and fussy.
You don't feel like your needs are being met.
When you say how you feel, you don't feel better.
Saying how you feel only counts if the other person immediately changes their behavior or apologizes.
Your intention in sharing your emotions is to in any way change someone else's actions or opinions (this is a tough one because most people are not willing to admit this to themselves).
You get more upset if you aren't received.
You are searching for a solution or to find some resolve in the moment.
You're gossiping or colluding.
You feel disempowered.
To juxtapose, when you're emotionally expressing yourself:
The focus of the conversation is on sharing your heart.
You feel vulnerable and open.
You have met your own needs and are resourced.
When you say how you feel, you immediately feel more love and connection.
You are saying how you feel *for you*, and no one else.
Your intention in sharing is to be generous and share more of you with the other person.
Whether or not you are received does not have any impact on what you're sharing (and as it happens, when you're sharing generously, it's way more likely that you'll be received).
You have already found resolve in your own heart before having the conversation.
The only people that are a part of the conversation are you and the person you're speaking with.
You feel empowered and connected.
I have very frank advice on how to handle this if you're unclear: hire a coach or a therapist.
Most people are not equipped to help you navigated this particular tightrope and it's not usually appropriate to navigate it with the person with whom you have grievances.
While reading this post may help you self-identify, this is a huge area where a lot of people are in denial. Developing the discernment needed to do this well requires an almost constant feedback loop from someone who is unbiased and focused on helping you step into your power, and who also possesses the energetic capacity to fully receive you no matter what.
And it's not a quick and easy fix. It's a practice that you commit yourself to over time. Learning how to emotionally express in a way that feels generous is often birthed from emotionally processing irresponsibly, experiencing the negative consequences of it consciously, and then course correcting. Over and over and over.
Learning how to feel and be connected is often a bumpy road, but I want to assure you that ironing out these wrinkles is some of the most worthwhile and rewarding work you'll ever do in your life.