The best way to gauge your emotional maturity

Do you think you’re emotionally mature?

Here’s one of my favorite litmus tests that exists. We can examine this both in ourselves, and it helps us become more aware of the actual maturity level of others. Being able to vet for someone else’s emotional maturity isn’t about judging them, but rather about discerning where they’re at so you’re in informed consent about the relationship and what’s actually true, beyond all the yummy feelings you might be having. And, more than anything, we should mostly have our attention focused inward on ourselves, as this is where almost all change occurs anyway.

The best way to gauge your emotional maturity reveals itself quite clearly in how you orient around feedback.

Feedback is one of my favorite topics to teach about, mostly because I experience that few people give feedback well, and, good quality feedback is vital to our collective growth. Most people are not truly receptive to quality feedback, and those offering are rarely clear and doing so with pure intentions.

Let’s break it down.

Emotionally immature

Those who are emotionally immature almost always are the ones giving unsolicited advice, feedback, and critique. They may themselves believe they are genuine and sincere, even authentic in their delivery, and some (coughspiritualpeoplecough) will even mistake it for sight and hide behind the mask of superiority believing they are helping others by showing them the light. This often comes with a justification like “I care about you and want you to improve.”

Here’s how it looks (and feels): this person sees something that, for them, feels off, or isn’t the way they think it should be. They feel an urge inside of themselves to do something about that urge, and that usually means speaking up and saying what they see or think about it the moment it arises. They usually don’t ask for permission before launching into their opinion. They likely believe their opinion is hard facts, and also believe their intentions are pure and that they’re “only trying to help.”

But you didn’t ask for their help, and this is the key piece of the incomplete puzzle.

At worst, this feels like constantly facing someone else’s critique, and can evoke a lot of feelings of unworthiness on the recipient. Often there’s a karmic match for this. One person believes “I’m never going to be good enough” and the other believes “I will always be disappointed by others not showing up fully” (or some variation on that theme. The root of the latter is, of course, “I’m never going to be good enough too” but it’s masked underneath a superiority complex. Feedback at this frequency is usually laced with judgment and emotional charge, and at this level can feel violent, alienating, and invasive.

Emotionally Mature

Emotionally mature people have a lot going on that emotionally immature people usually aren’t even aware of. But first and foremost is consent. Emotionally mature people understand that 1) now may not be the best time to offer feedback for the other person, 2) this person may not want their advice/feedback/counsel, 3) this person may simply not be ready to hear it. They do not assume any of these things, and always get consent before delivering advice, feedback, critique, or sight. Period.

Secondly, the emotionally mature person is oriented around compassion. The feedback they deliver, even if it’s “tough love” always feels compassionate. It feels loving, neutral like space, and has zero emotional charge. A huge piece of what makes this even smoother is when the emotionally mature person follows the 80/20 principle of feedback, giving 80% positive reinforcement, 20% constructive criticism. The 80/20 Rule builds enormous trust in a relationship, and is essential to growth-oriented relationships thriving.

A person who matures emotionally has done the inner work to consider and embody their values, and has reflected on what works really well for them. They are automatically oriented toward growth and evolution, in full alignment with nature. They also aren’t afraid to ask for help, support, and feedback, when they feel they need it. And finally, they tend to know who they would go to for feedback in a particular domain. They likely have different people they seek counsel from based on the subject matter at hand. If they want feedback on relationships, they might go to someone who has lived experience mastering their relationships. They might speak to professional trades(wo)men if they need to repair their house. They may consult a personal trainer or body builder if they want to get stronger at the gym. They go to spiritual masters for counsel on their spiritual journey, etc…

They understand the basic principle of mentorship, which is that they must respect the person who gives them feedback, because this person has lived experience in that domain.

Further to this, the emotionally mature person is masterful at feeling, and as a result, they are attuned at a deep level in themselves, and thus can feel when the timing is right to share feedback with others (after they’ve gotten consent). They are also surrendered and non-attached enough to recognize that sometimes that moment to say what you see never comes.

Self-Mastery

People who embody mastery are living on yet a whole other level. Often, they don’t give feedback at all. They observe everything neutrally, and usually say very little. The master has healthy restraint, and only offers reflection, sight, and counsel, when requested. They are acutely aware that growth/improvement/change is likely available, but they don’t waste time evaluating or thinking about it or holding an opinion on it in any way. They just watch, and wait.

More often than not, the master tends to point out what is true and inherently innocent about a person more often than what is wrong with them. They authentically do not see bad behavior, poor form, lack of skill, etc…as something that needs to be changed, but rather as potential: something which could be unlearned and would serve the person if it was, through the avenue of exalting the natural, healthier expression. In themselves, first and foremost, because integrity is a cornerstone of how they live their own lives.

Feedback from the master feels like being wrapped in love, no matter how uncomfortable it is to receive. But here’s the caveat: a person who cannot feel that love, who is entrenched in limiting beliefs and a victim mindset, who is gripped onto denial and repressing their deepest potential, may still have an issue with it. The master is unfazed by this, because she/he abides by truth, love, compassion, and integrity. The master instinctively doesn’t waste energy attempting to show others the light, because masters have lived their lives fully, embody compassion, and have an exacting, instinctive, precision in correct timing.

The nuance

A habitually avoidant person can, on the outside, look a lot like a master, if you’re only looking at what’s “visible” in their communication and behavior.

Emotional intelligence isn’t just about the words you use and the way you say them, nor is it about your behavior. It’s about the energy driving both of those things. When a person is avoidant, you’ll still feel judged, even when they say nothing at all. Because although they may not be saying anything verbally, their mind is still loud. As the saying goes, the only difference between speaking and thinking is that the tongue is moving in the former. Pay careful attention to how you think about others. Our thoughts cast spells. If we view anything as “wrong” we’re already off the mark. And how we think about others can actually prevent them from showing up for their fullest potential.