The most important communication techniques I’ve ever learned.

I’ve been reflecting a lot this week on what the biggest, paradigm-shifting, things I’ve learned over the years are.

It’s so easy to get lost in the murky waters of personal transformation and self-discovery, and I wanted to give you a couple easy, low-hanging pieces of fruit that you can apply immediately and which will catalyze your relationships with others, starting, of course, with your relationship to yourself.

The first one is HONESTY. All change requires us to be willing to look at the less palatable parts of our lives and getting real honest about it.

Denial suppresses, while honesty excavates.

What remains buried cannot transform. As Carl Jung so aptly states, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

By and large, the thing most of us have the hardest time being honest about is where we are struggling. We live in a world where society exalts the expert; the one who appears to have it all figured out. Because we have an innate need to feel a sense of belonging within our society, we, too, want to appear to have it all figured out. And we will exhaust ourselves attempting to uphold that appearance.

There is a sort of rebellious alchemy in vulnerably admitting, at least to yourself, that you don’t.

Psst! The truth is, there isn’t as much to figure out as you think, and people who seem certain of their direction in life are usually the most delusional in the bunch. Certainty, dear ones, is psychosis!

Self-honesty unlocks denial and creates fodder for transformation. Pretending like everything is already great has the exact opposite effect. We don’t grow if we act perfect and hide our flaws.

The power move here, though, is also being honest with others, particularly where you’re struggling. This is the cornerstone of vulnerability, and although the fear preventing us from doing this is that we’ll expose ourselves to attack, rejection, and judgment, this kind of honesty creates intimacy with others.

Honesty in our relationships paves the way for compassion, and compassion heals. When we are brave enough to reveal all parts of ourselves, and allow the totality of our existence to be witnessed by others, whatever shame we once felt about our flaws dissolves.

This alchemy creates an enormous amount of free energy, ready to be potentiated elsewhere in your life, in much more productive and efficient ways!

The second one is NOT MAKING ASSUMPTIONS. I can say for myself personally that I had no idea the degree to which assumptions were ruling my life until someone graciously pointed it out to me. Making assumptions was my survival strategy, and I was using it everywhere, and it was completely automatic and normalized.

I was not-so-blissfully unaware that another paradigm existed where assumptions could be replaced with awe, doubtlessness, clarity, and ease.

Assumptions create closure; curiosity opens.

This one is powerfully practiced first in relationship to others, simply by getting curious. Instead of assuming what another person means when they say something, ask. Get into the practice of not making any assumptions about other people’s intentions.

If you find yourself instinctively interpreting meaning in another person’s words or actions, chances are likely that you, too, are governed by assumptions. If you’re not clear, ask for clarity. When you ask, it makes room for the intentions behind actions to be clarified, and aligned, for everyone.

The deeper inner work here is to start investigating the unquestioned assumptions you’ve been governed by in your own life. This is the inquiry of exploring limiting belief systems and ideology that may not be serving you anymore, even if it once did. It brings a sense of discipline and intentionality into your life where every single moment of every single day feels present, and purposeful, because you know why you do what you do, you know the intention behind every action in your life, and you live as the embodiment of clarity.

Taking this further, into the realm of conjuring evolved relationships of all kinds, means cultivating dynamics with others where other people also don’t make assumptions about you. Being strong enough in yourself to notice when it’s happening, and being willing to clarify your intentions and demystify them for others. Nip it in the bud, as I say! Personally, I don’t like it when people make assumptions about me, and so I aim to be forthcoming and honest, and invite curiosity from others.

Assumptions create an enormous amount of noise. Assumptions we have made about ourselves, our lives, and others. The fear governing assumptions also blocks our intuitive clarity, discernment, and ultimately, life satisfaction. When we eliminate assumptions and replace them with curiosity, we get unbound.

Speaking of Unbound, if you’d like to go deeper into this topic, and many more, healing your relationships and aligning yourself to your values for how you’d like to live this one precious life, check out my signature program, Unbound.