How to gift your man agency over his own heart.

Photo by    Dimitar Belchev    on    Unsplash

Photo by Dimitar Belchev on Unsplash

I once almost broke it off with someone because he closed his heart in his sleep.

He was trying so hard, and try as he might, his heart would just close, with no warning, and despite his best conscious efforts to stay open.

And for a hot minute, that wasn't good enough for me. And I sort of (kind of a lot) laid into him and was basically like WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I guess this is what people mean when they say I'm intense.


My intensity comes mostly from being acutely perceptive and attuned to the energetic field around me. Literally nothing gets by me (ask anyone who's ever tried living with me), including the oft well-hidden heart.

But being intensely perceptive is not enough for creating an environment of actual spiritual and emotional growth in relationship (IMHO). What's needed from there is your precision, refinement, compassion, and the capacity to move at what I call "molasses speed".

Because what I have learned is that what men want more than anything is agency over their own hearts.

He doesn't want to close his heart just as much as you don't want it closed. This is what he needs YOU for, and he can't get that through porn, through his friends, through his accomplishments at work, or basically anywhere else.


For as fierce and as primal and as powerful as he may be in every other area of his life, this is the spot where he needs your gentle reflection, your tenderness, your slow steadiness, and your deeply excavated love.

His heart space is the place where your body must become the beacon and symbol for safety and nurturing.

This, my loves, is where he gets fed.

(and all this time we thought he was the one who was supposed to make us feel safe and protected, and while that's true in so many ways, this initial nourishment is where it all starts.)

A caution: he may not know that this is where he is most hungry, but I personally think it's safe to assume that this is true across the board. (as it happens, I think this is true of pretty much everyone on the planet right now)

So slow down. Tread lightly. Do your own practices and come to him with your mighty tenderness, your fierce grace, and let your intensity sublimate into precision as you gently, deliberately, breathe his heart open.

If you’d like to learn the skill of intensity sublimation, or would like agency over your own heart, let’s talk.