Four ways to increase your emotional intelligence.
It's no secret that technology is becoming a more and more integral part of our daily lives at an astonishing rate. Our relationships with tools like Siri, Alexa, and Facebook have become so normalized in so many homes that we've almost forgotten what life is like without these resources in our lives. In many cases, relating to our devices feels more normal than relating to other humans, especially for younger generations.
And with this rapidly growing relationship with technology, many of us have lost our ability to relate with one another. We've stopped paying attention to the subtle communication that governs connection and interpersonal relating, and as a result, we often spend a lot of unnecessary energy patching up miscommunications that would've easily been avoided with a few helpful tools.
Soon enough, thousands of jobs will be replaced by more automated and robotic processes commanded by AI, which gives rise to a whole different demand of the human race in order to continue to stay relevant. A demand that refocuses the attention from what we are capable of producing to instead how well we are capable of connecting with one another. And not only is this urgent in the face of the rapidly growing digital era, it's also urgent for humanity, where, for example, almost half of Americans report feeling lonely.
Emotional Intelligence, or more aptly put, a healthy form of empathy and intuitive connection to others that robots cannot duplicate, is quickly becoming the most sought-after soft skill in both start-ups and corporate environments, seeking to hold a leading edge in their respective industries. It's also a highly sought-after personal trait in most healthy intimate relationships! High EQ levels are proven to help us access deeper levels of creativity, empathy, AND innovative thinking, three skillsets that have been on massive demand in the highly competitive, fast-paced workforce for the past several years.
Unlike our IQ — which is fixed for our entire lives — EQ can be learned, and improved. One of the best ways to rapidly increase emotional intelligence is doing 1:1 work with an emotionally intelligent coach over an extended period of time. Humans learn best through modeling, and when building a relationship with a person who demonstrates what emotional intelligence looks and feels like, we are more likely to adopt and take on these skills effortlessly.
Coaching, however, is not an available resource for everyone, although everyone would surely benefit from it. Below are four quick tips you can start practicing today that will help you increase your EQ immediately!
1. Listen
This may seem like a no-brainer, but the truth is that many of us never learned to listen well. Usually when someone else is speaking, what they say triggers a lot of thoughts in our own mind, and before long, we're thinking and understanding (or trying to understand) or preparing our response, and not actually listening anymore.
Practice this: try to stay present with each word as it's being spoken to you. Before responding, repeat what you just heard to yourself, word for word. See how well you do. If in doubt, repeat it out loud and let the person know that this is what you heard by saying "This is what I'm hearing you say," and ask for their feedback before formulating a response. This also opens you up to the possibility of hearing the subtleties in communication underneath and in between the words, which is what highly emotionally intelligent people do instinctively.
2. Practice good boundaries
The gateway to high emotional intelligence is rooted in healthy boundaries. One way to start practicing this immediately, is to only offer your attention when you have available energy to spare. Discovering how often we are feigning presence when we actually aren't fully will help dispel what giving someone undivided attention actually feels like in our own bodies (and the bonus is that others will feel it, too!). Be willing to say no in order to honor how much you value the other person by only giving them your full attention.
3. Pay attention to your own emotions
People who are highly emotionally intelligent have a nuanced and precise awareness of the full emotional spectrum because they have spent time being intimate with their own emotional landscape. This means actually feeling our feelings (being able to name both the emotion and the physical sensation associated with it are great here!), rather than just thinking our feelings (for example: "I'm not good enough" or "I'm too much") or reacting to our thoughts (for example: blame, judgment, avoidance).
4. "Thank you for sharing"
This is my very favorite practical communication tool. When someone is sharing what's going on for them emotionally, it can sometimes feel like a burden because we don't always have the capacity to give them our full attention (and don't always get asked whether we have that capacity available before the sharing begins), or we feel like we need to do something about it like offer a solution or make them feel better. Interpreting an emotional share as a gift filled with value-neutral information, rather than a problem that needs solving, allows us to listen better, and gives the other person an opportunity to feel received, which is almost always the best gift you can offer in return, anyway.
How's your emotional intelligence? Where would these four tips come in the most handy for you and how might they benefit your life if you started practicing them? I'd love to hear from you in the comments!