Indulging in the compulsion to overreact and how to heal.

Photo by Darius Soodmand on Unsplash

Resisting the very compelling urge to not lash out or be cruel and critical when we are triggered by someone else sometimes requires every single ounce of our available energy. 

When we are low on energy stores (read: most people most of the time), there is very little that will stop us from showing up in damaging ways in our relationships and also with strangers.

To the degree possible, resist the urge. Distract yourself, hit the pause button, meditate, give yourself a time out. Do whatever it takes. 

And if you do indulge and let go of your self-control, don’t beat yourself up about it. But don’t dismiss it either. That too, is an experience FOR you. Sometimes angry outbursts and sharp tongued and cruel words are needed too, especially if you’ve been bottled up your whole life. Sometimes the thing we need to learn is that it’s okay for us to fuck it up and not be perfect and still be worthy of love. Sometimes we need to learn how to repair connection after a fight. Sometimes we need to learn how to take responsibility for our bad behavior. Sometimes we need to learn compassion through experiencing in ourselves exactly what we abhor in others. Sometimes we need to go so deep that we reach a point where we are truly humbled and don’t know what to do.

I once had a complete meltdown in a bus station in Peru and threw a crumpled up bus ticket in the face of the bus attendent after she told me my bus had been cancelled and that if I wanted a refund I needed to travel back to where I had just come from, a 12 hour bus ride away. I was running on 18 days of three hours of sleep a night, low oxygen in my brain due to high altitude, and had just survived being stranded in a dangerous town by that previously cancelled 12 hour bus. It was a rough day and the beginning of a pretty epic existential crisis that eventually led to an earth-shattering spiritual awakening that required me to entirely reconstruct my life and my reality.

After the event, I was pulled away to continue my journey down to Bolivia, and never got to repair and reconcile with that woman. And to be honest, given the opportunity at the time I’m not sure I would’ve even known how to repair it. At the time I didn’t know there was an option beyond blame even though I could rationalize that neither of us were at fault. And yet, I still didn’t know what to do with the energy in my body. I believed it needed to go somewhere.

Although it may feel like it, you can’t expel energy from your body. And so if you think you’ll just throw it at someone else and let them manage it through faulting them for how you feel, what you’re actually doing is suppressing the energy in your own body/mind. Over time, this sort of behavior can create big numb spots in our bodies, and huge blind spots in our psyche.

I don’t know a single person who doesn’t do this from time to time. So tread lightly with yourselves and enjoy the humility that comes from knowing you don’t have it all figured out. None of us do. 

All times we are here to learn. Getting it perfect the first time is boring.