The most common form of manipulation.
This post has some fiercely loving real talk truths in it.
Read on to get liberated.
If you are not fully expressing what is alive inside of you, and eventually the very essence of who you are, you’re manipulating.
No one — and I mean no one — wants to admit they are manipulative but I’m here to tell you that MOST people are because they’re doing this exact thing.
We are all manipulative to the degree to which our essential self remains unexpressed.
Take some time to digest that and consider how that might have something to do with the current state of humanity.
Here’s how this works: holding back a part (or all parts) of yourself prevents others from being in full consent to you. They cannot practice informed consent because they have not been informed.
Obscuration, blurred lines, ambiguous communication, withholding, NOT being forthcoming and honest, are self-preservation strategies. They are habitual behaviors we adopt in order to feel a sense of belonging and security.
They are helpful in exactly one way: at preventing you from feeling pain. And I’d actually say that’s not really helpful to anyone at all.
Being honest about who you are may sting others (and even yourself!) sometimes, but it does not — ultimately — cause harm. Holding back, on the other hand, is always harmful.
Lets break this down with an example:
YOU are honest and forthcoming and clear in your communication, wants, needs, and desires. In this authentic expression, you are inviting the other person into an authentic expression of their own.
OTHER PERSON takes whatever you’re saying to mean (interprets) that there is something wrong with them and proceeds to punish themselves (and maybe you) with harmful behavior and thinking.
Although it may seem like your authentic communication (expression of your essential self) has caused them harm, what’s really happening is that the other person’s interpretation of that is functioning as the evidence of something they already believe to be true.
THEY are the ones causing themselves harm. THEIR RESISTANCE TO THEIR OWN ESSENTIAL SELF IS THE THING WHICH IS PAINFUL FOR THEM.*** (see notes at the end)
Let’s look at the nature of this because there is a pattern here: If you believe who you are is bad or harmful, you will do what you can to soften the blow of the expression of your essence by attempting to manipulate the energy you transmit. But all you do then is transmit (and as a byproduct of that, project) CONFUSION.
What’s the result? People around you who just can’t seem to get clear about what they want, whether it has to do with you or anything else in their lives. (Quite ironically often times this results in a dynamic where you get to support them with their lack of clarity rather than focus on your own)
I want to be clear and explicitly compassionate here and hope you will be, too: NONE of this is happening consciously. Most people who get trapped here are not doing this with overt malicious intent. No one wants to consider they do this and so most people can’t see that they’re doing it. This is how denial and ignorance work.
I went through a whole era of my growth identifying all of the ways this was true for me after someone (deep bow to one of my former mentors, Lynne Forrest) lovingly pointed it out. It was amongst some of the most confronting inner work I’ve ever done. I had learned to manipulate so precisely that I couldn’t even see it. I just thought I was being really considerate! Here I was thinking I was just super nice when in fact upon finally sitting down to dissect my communication (both verbal AND energetic) it turned out that I was the exact opposite.
The pain I was trying to avoid feeling? Betrayal and abandonment, of course.
Here’s what I learned from that: any moment where I am not fully disclosing my essential nature I am betraying and abandoning myself. And that’s where I was inviting everyone else to meet me. Not surprisingly, I experienced a lot of unnecessary abandonment and betrayal by others. They were just showing me what I couldn’t see about myself.
Here’s what I do now: I ensure people are in full consent to me. If anything, I err on the side of over-communicating. I do not proceed with anything I am an intuitive No to, no matter how challenging it is to be honest about that.
There is nothing worse for me energetically than being surrounded by confusion and loud mental chatter that I’ve caused. And so I’m always sure to be very clear about who I am and what people can and cannot expect from me. As I continue to have new revelations about my essential nature constantly, this is a living organism and practice for me (as it is for everyone). I even give informed consent about that aspect of who I am! I literally say: “I cannot promise anything to you. Even I do not know what the future holds.” I do not make assumptions that other people are the same from day to day and I do what I can to ensure that those I keep close are equally onboard with embracing my perpetual transformation. I do all this with boat loads of love, availability for connection (when relevant), and compassion.
Expectations and consistency and waiting until the right moment to be honest for the sake of creating a false sense of security in the meantime feels like being stuck in literal mud for me, so I just don’t go there anymore.
If you want to get liberated here once and for all, the way forward is to make this assumption: instead of trying to reassure yourself that you don’t do this, assume it’s highly likely you do.
Practice trusting in the rightness that those who are not a YES to your essential nature are not for you and that that is OK and is not a reflection of you being a failure.
Keep looking at all of it it until it humbles you.
I love you.
***IMPORTANT: what I’m saying does not mean that you get a free pass to be irresponsible with your energy. Full authentic expression of what is alive inside of you never involves blame or charge. Authentic expression is by definition NEUTRAL and EMPOWERED, even if it’s a so-called negative feeling.
You are responsible for your own resentment and thoughts of victimhood, and you alone, no matter what happened. Your resentment is not to be confused with “your truth.”
A note about people who have been victimized or violated in some way: a part of the therapeutic process and trauma recovery is to process until you can arrive at the point where you can differentiate between the trauma itself, the sensory input associated with it, and the meaning and interpretation you gave/are giving it so that ultimately you can energetically shift your own interpretation and release the grip on it. The grip results in endless self-retraumatization and ultimately all forms of PTSD, and as such the grip needs to be interrupted by someone who has the skill to lovingly do so in a way which feels safe. Some people manage to do this themselves. Others may need outside support. This process can be long and slow for many, but it doesn’t have to be.
